Personal Reflection on Palm Sunday

Today I concelebrated Mass at Sacred Heart.  The celebrant, Fr. Mark, talked in his homily about how the palms here are a lot different than the ones in the part of Africa where he is from.  There, the palms are palm trees.  Every part of the tree is useful for some important purpose.  Since I don't have a memory that remembers details, I cannot relate what each part is used for, except that the trunks are used for the rafters for buildings.  He tied this in by saying that just as no part of a palm tree goes to waste, so too none of the sufferings of Christ go to waste.

Wow!  I truly wish this would have been the centerpiece of his homily and that everything he said would have touched to this.  So instead I want to use this for a personal reflection.... a very honest and real reflection.... so be prepared for some serious vulnerability.

As a priest, I could easily go on and on about the merit of Christ's sufferings and how redemptive they are and how He knows what our suffering is and how He can relate to us at profoundly deep levels that we feel that no one else understands.  He was there, been through that and does know.  I can also make the connection with our sufferings in that just as none of Christ's sufferings go to waste, so too do none of our sufferings go to waste......................  Wait.... what was that?  Yep, just as none of Christ's sufferings go to waste, so too none of our sufferings go to waste.  

As a priest, yes, it is a very profound point to talk about indeed.  Our sufferings have merit and can be used by God to help others, living and deceased, in ways we may never know until He shows us in Heaven.  So in preaching about this, there is the intention of this being a comforting message to the many people who suffer in all kinds of horrible ways and who are at wits end with their suffering and are angry and possibly on the verge of despair.  Why is this message intended to be so comforting, well, because suffering is not pointless and does not have to be endured in vain.  That there is hope that there is merit to our suffering and the fact that others benefit from out pain.  I really do hope that this is a message of comfort and hope.

As a suffering priest, however, this message is maddening because I feel torn between being comforted and the reality that I am so tired of suffering and being so limited by my suffering that I am at times very angry and want to know if my suffering is really helping others more than if I were fully healthy and able to minister to my parishes as the pastor they deserve and long to have back.
Great, so all my suffering is helping others.  Fantastic!  Way to go me.  Way to take one or a bunch for the team.  Wooooohoooooo.

Honesty, I can easily go into a pity party now and express my anger and frustration.  How much I long to be healthy again to visit people in the hospital and nursing homes.  How I miss celebrating Masses.  Oh, and this Holy Week is going to kill me inside.  I long to be with my brother priests in Pensacola on Tuesday for the Chrism Mass and the renewal of our Priestly Promises.  I will miss leading St. Elizabeth's and Sacred Heart in the beautiful Holy Week celebrations.  I will miss not even being at the Easter Vigil, when we will welcome several people from St. Elizabeth's into our beautiful faith.  I will miss not being at the Sedar Supper on Wednesday.  I will miss not preaching on Easter Sunday. Ahhhhhh!  Why?!  And this is not to mention that I am so tired of how my suffering is hurting the parishes as they try to plan big things not knowing what will happen next with my health and when I will return and be available.  Plus there is plenty more suffering ahead with a surgery probably and hopefully in a couple of weeks.

So yeah.... yay suffering... so glad I can help so many others.  Whooohooo.

If I could step out of myself and look at myself, I would probably tempted to slap myself and say get a grip and suck it up.  And that it will be over in a few months and that some day I will be back to doing all the things I once enjoyed and will probably enjoy them all the more.  And that I need to be grateful that a return to health is a possibility when for so many, there will never be another day of great health.  Honestly, if I did that to myself, or someone else did that to me, I would clam up so tight and never express myself again.  Because while all of the above is true in this paragraph, it doesn't take away from the reality of my feelings that I have to experience and suffer through.  If I were to always suck it up and have a mask on, I would never address the hurt feelings and I would either forever shut down or it would all explode in a huge mess in the future. (sigh)

So what do I do with the mystery and messiness and anger of suffering?  (silence, sighs, tears)  Go to God with it all.  It is so hard to do, but where else do I go?  He really does know all about suffering and being limited.... just think about how many people needed His help while He walked on this Earth.  It must have been overwhelming.  Imagine the frustration of being in His prime when suddenly it all comes to a seemingly tragic and horrifically painful end.  That had to SUCK!  

But He did endure all of this.  And you know what?  It all worked out in such an awesome and spectacular way that only God is capable of.

Believe it or not, with all the emotion I have just written, I do find this to be comforting.  I have no idea of why I am having to endure what I have been going through and will be going through.  But He knows.... and even though I can't see it all, He is doing way more with this mess than I will ever understand or appreciate on this side of Eternity.

So um............. thank...........(sigh........ throat clearing........... tears)........... thank you God for this gift of suffering.  It sucks so much and I am so sick and tired of it and how it is affecting so many others.  I come before you and bury myself in your chest crying my eyes out not understanding, but still trying my best to trust that You are using it for ways that helping so many others I may never meet.  Thank you Lord and please help me get through all of this... because it really does suck.  

I love you God.